What the Hell
by Elizabeth Wilde
Summary: Spike and Xander wind up dating after a drunken kiss
1. Beer Not so Bad

Author: Gabrielle Collins (Gabby Spike)  
Title: Beer Not So Bad  
Series: What the Hell  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, my sites [http://hellmouth.20m.com and http://www.envy.nu/dtd  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy peeps, much as I wish I did. I make no money from this, and no copyright infringement is intended.  
'Ship: S/X  
Classification: comedy, some romance  
Summary: Spike and Xander get drunk together.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: season 3 and 4 of Buffy, I suppose  
Feedback: Always welcome to gabby_spike@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://hellmouth.20m.com/beernotsobad.html  
  
Xander rushed down the steps sipping on a Capri Sun and wondering whether calling Anya and asking her to come over would be a good or bad idea. When he spotted an intruder sitting on his bed, however, he stood stock-still, mouth slightly agape. "Spike? How the Hell did you-"  
  
"You said I was perfectly welcome," the vampire responded, easily anticipating the query.  
  
Xander's eyes narrowed. "I was being sarcastic."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Hey, I don't make the rules, mate." Seeing that the reply wasn't bringing Xander any further down the stairs, Spike held up the six pack sitting on the bed beside him. "I brought beer."  
  
With a grin, Xander threw his juice into the nearest pile of trash and dove onto the bed next to Spike. "Did I ever tell you you're my very bestest friend?"   
  
Spike smirked and handed Xander a beer. "I should be your bloody 'ero after this."  
  
After taking a sip of his beer, Xander looked up. "Yeah, right up there after Gumbi and Scooby Doo."  
  
"You know, whelp, that's what I like about you. You're just dumb enough not to be afraid of me." Before Xander could come up with a witty retort, Spike slapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm not finished." He removed his hand. "I like people bein' afraid of me. Just not any reason for 'em to be anymore. Damn depressing. I don't have any friends to share m' misery with, either. Dru's gone, never did like Angel all that much-"  
  
"Hear, hear!" Xander chimed in.  
  
"And," Spike continued purposefully, "I'm sick of being alone. So. There it is. You're the only one I don't want to kill most of the time. The Slayer wants me dead too much for it to be fun, Willow's too damn moral, Giles is a more uptight than my mum used to be, not a chance in hell of drinking with Buffy's newest freaky squeeze, and that Anya of yours gives me the creeps."  
  
"You and everybody else," Xander admitted.   
  
Spike looked sidelong at his companion. "Do you love the girl?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Like her, then?"  
  
"Well . . . sometimes."  
  
"Just a horny teenager?"  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
The vampire let out a short laugh and raised his bottle. "To easy girls in tight clothes!"   
  
Their bottles clinked merrily and both men finished their beers and took another. Xander looked at Spike critically, as though looking could reveal the vampire's motives in full. "I annoy you the least, huh? That's a first."  
  
"What'd'ya mean?"  
  
"I mean that . . . Nevermind." Xander took another swig of beer and looked at his feet quietly.  
  
"Now don't you start with the brooding! Brain chip or no, I'll kill you if you do."  
  
Smiling faintly, Xander assented, "Okay. It's just . . . sometimes I feel like they really don't need me. You even said so. You told me and Willow that, but Willow is useful. She can do spells and stuff. She helps. I just get in the way and keep Anya under control. Kind of. Sometimes. Every now and then. I don't really ever do anything." Xander knew he was getting drunk. He knew that was the only reason he would ever, ever consider talking to Spike. That and the fact that the room was beginning to look a little lopsided. Some clearer part of his mind registered Spike's arm resting on his shoulders in a somewhat comforting way.  
  
"I was just trying to goad you two. Didn't really mean it," Spike said softly. "The Slayer likes having you around, alright? Reason enough. She's got it pretty dark most of the time and you're light, so it makes it easier for 'er to get along. You help."  
  
"I don't-"  
  
"Say it!" Spike insisted, punctuating the statement with a jarring jerk to Xander's shoulders.   
  
Xander gave in, stating as firmly as he could with Spike's face inches from his, "I help."  
  
Satisfied, Spike leaned back a bit without loosing his grip on Xander. "There. Feel better?"  
  
"Strangely, yeah. A little bit, yeah." Xander took a long swallow of beer and immediately wished he hadn't. It was getting hard enough to control his actions. And Spike wasn't acting entirely as expected.  
  
"I'm not such a bad bloke when you get to know me. Most people are dead before they do, of course," Spike added solemnly.  
  
"Not anymore."  
  
Spike growled, then became subdued. "Yeah, not anymore. You think you're useless! What's a vampire who can't bite? What the hell am I supposed to do? Stay in my damn crypt all day feelin' sorry for myself?"  
  
Surprising himself, Xander put his hand on Spike's leg in an attempt to comfort his new drinking buddy. "Hey, it's not so bad. I mean, we wouldn't be here if it weren't for that chip thing, right? And you found out what a useless whore Harmony really is. Good stuff came, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. Just wanna be able to bit people again." Spike looked down at the floor and then back at Xander as if pondering a particularly difficult thought. "You remember when I said you weren't worth biting?"  
  
"Vividly."  
  
"Yeah, well, I was lying. I'd bite you anytime if I could."  
  
Xander's brow furrowed as he fished for a fitting response. "Um, thanks?"  
  
"Just wanted you to know. Just... to know."  
  
"Okay." Xander became uncomfortably aware of the fact that his hand still rested on Spike's thigh and at the same time realized he had no intention of moving it.   
  
Spike moved his free hand to rest gently on top of Xander's, then delicately stroked the fingers, tracing the veins and bones of the hand. "You've got nice hands."  
  
"Uh, Spike?"  
  
"Yeah?" The vampire didn't look up from the business of slowly caressing Xander's hand.   
  
"What are you doing?"   
  
"Just keeping myself entertained." Spike continued his ministrations, oblivious to Xander's rising discomfort.  
  
Despite the thousand reasons running through Xander's head detailing exactly why it was wrong for Spike to be holding his hand, for Spike to have his arm around Xander's shoulders, for Spike to be anywhere near him at all, Xander felt his palms beginning to sweat and his heart launching into a strangely erratic new beat. He alternately wanted to run screaming from the room and stay there forever. "Spike . . ."  
  
"Yeah?" This time he did look up, a small smile making his handsome face all the more beguiling.   
  
Xander's mouth opened and then closed. He had no idea what to say. He felt himself reaching out to touch's Spike's cheek. It was cold but amazingly soft, free of stubble or imperfections of any kind. His hand continued its exploration, ending on Spike's neck.  
  
The vampire instantly used Xander's distraction to his advantage, pulling him close and pressing his lips against Xander's without hesitation. He allowed Xander a moment to adjust to the position, then slowly forced the Slayerette's lips open with his tongue, countless decades of experience letting him know precisely how to proceed, how best to keep Xander's senses working hard enough that this mind would be oblivious to what was taking place. He felt Xander's once-captured hand at his waist and moved his to the man's hair, relishing its softness, its silky feel between his fingers.  
  
Once he was certain any reservations Xander may have had were gone, Spike pulled away, arching an eyebrow. "What was it you wanted to ask me, mate?"  
  
Xander swallowed and shook his head. "N-nothing," he breathed, swallowing again without succeeding in clearing his mind or staying his raging hormones. "What just happened?"  
  
"If I have to tell you that . . ."  
  
"You know what I mean, Spike," Xander pressed, sounding slightly more self-assured. "Between... between us."  
  
Spike smirked and lay back on the bed looking smug. "I think you just got a boyfriend."  
  



	2. Dating the Devil

Author: Gabrielle Collins (Gabby Spike)  
Title: Dating the Devil  
Series: What the Hell  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, my sites [http://hellmouth.20m.com and http://www.envy.nu/dtd]  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy people. I make no money. Don't sue me.  
'Ship: S/X  
Classification: comedy, romance  
Summary: Xander makes Spike take him out.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none, maybe some season 3 of Buffy  
Feedback: to gabby_spike@yahoo.com if you really love me  
  
When the phone rang, Xander almost jumped out of his skin. "He-hello?" His voice shook and he knew whoever was on the other end probably thought they had the wrong number.  
  
"Xander? Are you sick again?"  
  
"Anya!" He heard Spike laughing softly behind him and turned bright red. "No, not-yeah, sick." Xander faked a cough. "Bad cough, nausea. Puking a lot. It's not pretty."  
  
"I'll be right over. I'll bring soup."  
  
"Better not," Xander warned quickly, mind feverishly searching for any excuse. "I'm highly contagious. Don't want you to catch it." He added another obviously fake cough before hanging up. The phone rang again almost immediately and Xander stared at it blankly, eyes wide.  
  
Spike heaved a sigh and grabbed the receiver. "Look, he's busy, alright?" Xander could hear Anya yelling from across the bed. "Fuck off!" After slamming the receiver down, Spike glared at the phone as if daring it to ring. It didn't. "There, luv," Spike soothed, "she won't call again."  
  
Xander continued to stare at the phone.  
  
"Well at least bloody say something! Wasn't such a bad kiss now was it?"  
  
Xander shook his head mutely.  
  
"There, then. Admit it, you enjoyed every second." Spike's hand was on Xander's thigh, his face close. "And you'd like to go again."  
  
Tearing himself away from Spike's intense gaze, Xander jumped off the bed. "This is a bad idea."  
  
Spike narrowed his eyes and then rolled over onto his back. "Fine, then. But I'm not leaving." He grabbed a Playboy from under Xander's bed and began reading the first article.  
  
Xander stood watching the vampire for several minutes. "You really aren't leaving, are you?"  
  
"Not a chance."  
  
"Then come with me." Xander grabbed Spike's hand and pulled him off the bed. "You're taking me out."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"The fair?" Spike asked, eyeing the bright lights and garish colors skeptically.  
  
"Yep. You wanna date me, you gotta win me a big ol' stuffed animal. A cute one."  
  
Spike smirked. "Alright, I will. But you 'ave to hold m'hand."  
  
"Deal." The Slayerette's warm hand closed around Spike's cold one. "There's a booth over there."  
  
He indicated a ring toss game and Spike strode toward it purposefully. He forked over two dollars and the man handed him a pile of rings. "Get five of them on the bottles and you can have anything you want," the man announced with a frighteningly large smile.  
  
"Alright, mate." Spike tossed the first ring, frowning darkly when he missed all of the bottles entirely.  
  
"Oh, come on," Xander protested, "you can't possibly be that bad at this! Cordelia has a better arm!"  
  
A sharp glare from Spike silenced him. "Just warmin' up." The next ring flew with similar results. "Bloody hell!"  
  
Xander shook his head. "You know, I thought you were a lot more interested than that. Looks like I should go call Anya back and-"  
  
"Don't you dare!" Spike warned, picking up the third ring. It landed neatly around the neck of one of the center bottles. "Told you, luv. Just warming up." Grinning, he proceeded to neatly circle a bottle with each of the remaining six rings. He leaned across the counter and pointed to a large, pink teddy bear. "That one."  
  
The smiling man picked up the prize. "Here ya go! Come back again!"  
  
"Not if it was the last place on the bloody Earth," Spike replied, handing the teddy bear to Xander as they walked away. "There you 'ave it. A deal's a deal with you people, isn't it?" He quirked one eyebrow. "I passed the test."  
  
Xander seemed suddenly nervous. "Uh, yeah, I, uh, guess you did." He forced a smile.  
  
"Oh, for God's sake, if it's that 'orrible a thought, nevermind!" Spike huffed, walking ahead.  
  
"Hey! No, wait!" Xander caught up a second later. "It's just... different, ya know? Scary." He reached for Spike's hand again. "It'll just take time to get used to."  
  
Spike smiled and raised Xander's hand to his lips, kissing it. "We'll take all the time you need."  



End file.
